Thursday, June 30, 2011

Things people should brag about different cities!

I will start this post by bragging a little about myself. I have been a lucky kid since a few years. I have been to different cities around the world people only dream of going to. In these cities I have came across a pattern, a distinctive way people want themselves to be remembered as that part of the city.
Often these boastful ideas are literally senseless and are very awful. I see no reason for people to brag about how much it rains. I mean come on…… So I have came up with my reasons people should brag about their native cities.

New York: Well New York is one of the coolest places in the world. It has everything you need; if you are young and all you want is money and fun, otherwise it sucks for oldies (like the rest of the US, JK). People in NY usually brag about the statue of liberty or the deceased World Trade Center, R.I.P.
But to me, what New Yorkers (actual word, just looked it up) should be proud of is Concrete. True Story. Yeah NY is all about big huge buildings talking to sky and concrete bridges and all. Moreover, the latest news about gay marriages being allowed in NY is a cherry on top. Now, all those people who are just normal human beings who are treated poorly because of their sexual preference can flew back here and live a happy life. That’s something to be proud of. I loved New York!

London: London is the city of fantasies I had when I was a kid; a dark place full of clouds and candies. Well still I see it that way only. Londoners have a lot of stuff to brag about. Their transport, their weather (not so great though), their accent (totally love it) and a lot more. But to me Londoners should be proud of their telephone booths. They may not realize it but actually their telephone booths are really awesome. Though you may not feel comfortable going in there with any of your family members. Since there are certain immodest and inappropriate flyers stuck inside that shouts at you to call the number shown but anyways these booths rocks.

Karachi: The city I was born in. The greatest city on planet earth, it is. People here are actually very nice so they don’t really brag about something but the beach. But I actually think people should brag about the rickshaws and buses. They are totally awesome. The poetry scribbled on them, that actually make no sense to me, is indeed so sensible and awesome. We should also brag about the Quaid’s mazar which is possibly the best dating place available in the city. Oh yes. Experience!


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Pakistani ladies can't drive!

Dear Pakistani Female Drivers,
First of all I strongly believe you should all be working in the kitchen and cooking me a sandwich but since the ‘men’ of your house have let you out to drive cars which I strongly disapprove of and since you’re driving now and refuse to go back to the kitchen all I would like to say is learn how to f*cking drive you idiots. Now don’t go all “we are liberated free women who have the right to drive” I don’t care about your rights =p all I care about is you women driving like proper human beings. We follow the rules you follow the rules. There’s no need to f*cking brake every two seconds. There’s no need to go on changing your lane every two mins. You can wear the white driver gloves (seriously in this weather wth is up with that?) you can wear your huge Chanel driving sunglasses but you refuse to learn how to drive. So please don’t get offended by this letter I just want what’s best for you (like working in the kitchen and making me a sandwich).
And I’m not being biased here or anything every pakistani women driver I’ve encountered cant drive. E.g I’ve been in about so many accidents in my life and most of them happened when a lady was driving. Coincidence? No. Those accidents have left me mentally scarred for the rest of my life. The point is pakistani women drivers can’t drive. I’m not being a sexist or anything but studies show Pakistani Women drivers or worse than Pakistani Terrorists. True Story.
In the End that’s all I ask. Learn how to drive or go back to the Kitchen. The choice is yours. :)

Hamza Hakimi!

Confessions to the President of Pakistan.

There is always this time in your life you feel you want to confess something, good or bad. Once I had a huge crush on my primary teacher. I gathered enough courage to confess it in front of her on the last day of the year. I returned home with a red mark on my face and, no it wasn’t a kiss. I never gathered such courage anymore. The point is, confessions bring about changes in a person.

Confessions are like, I don’t know, it’s like masturbation for the first time where you publicly accept to your friends about how you felt good and stuff (worst analogy ever).

Therefore, I have decided to confess to the President of Pakistan.

1) When I first read/heard that you are an Oxford graduate and was a contender of becoming our president, I was so happy I literally died! I always wished for a literate person running our country. Now I think it was just a start of the never ending rumors from your side. Or maybe you ARE an Oxford graduate and that’s just how every graduate from there is. Maybe, if you had studied from KU you could run our country better and would have had not wasted so much of your dad’s hard working money. Oh my BAD! I should take off that, “hard work” from there.

Ahhh! the people of Pakistan again misunderstood the Names!

2) When your party got selected I was literally among hundreds of thousands of people who thought you will bring a positive change in the country. And, NO, by positive change, I did not mean we would have had seen naked un-extremists people running around doing anything but I thought we will just have a good life. You shattered my hope into pieces and taught me not to trust any leader in Pakistan ever again. Thank you!

3) From the time I hit my puberty, I thought I was smart enough to become a president. I would dream about living in Islamabad, having big cars, fool proof security and doing a little something for the country once in a while. But after watching you getting elected and the people already running to the presidency for the last ten years, I have came to the conclusion that my best friend’s argument, that the Presidents are not humans was so true. Thank you for making me realize that I can not be a good president!

Apology: To anyone who has a soft corner for the president.
Photoshop: @hameer ali


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

4 funniest indian songs!

Well to be honest, I do not have a really good taste of songs. I liked one of my friend’s, for two reasons, one that she was extremely hot and irresistible (sounds desperate but whatever) and the second that she had an extremely great taste in music.

Until last few years, I had been listening to Bollywood songs, which now I extremely hate looking back onto. Not only that they are Indian, but also that they are purely a waste of time. But there are some songs that make me crack up, even if they are not supposed to be that way!

1. Welcome (movie: Welcome): I’ll post part of the lyrics first.

“Kuch To Zara Socho, Kuch To Zara Samjho, Hai Paas Jab Tere Hum
Masti Ka Mauqa Hai, Kyun Khud Ko Roka Hai, Dont U Really Wana Cum”

Ummm not really! This part of the song says that since I am so close to you and it’s a fun time, why have you stopped yourself, DON’T YOU REALLY WANNA CUM? :O
Mister whoever wrote it, I don’t really think the singer or the actors will be pretty convinced to CUM? Well actually it depands on what come/cum you’re talking about ;)

2. I love you (hum sath sath hai): No I am not fooling, there is actually a song named I love you in this movie. Here’s the lyrics of the first line.

I Love You.”

Seriously, like what the fuck? Indian filmmakers should be commended for aiding education of pre-school children. So what if it makes for senseless lyrics…the ends are important, not the means.

3. I love my india. Again, not making it up, there is a song like that.
“Yeh Duniya ika dulhan hai, dulhan ke mathe pe bindiya
Yeh mera India, I love my India”
In English it means, This world is a bride, on the forehead of this bride is Bindiya 
(a colored dot worn by women on forehead) This is my India, I love my India
Does it make any sense? Pulp patriotism at its worst! Oh I know what it is, 
they don’t have anything good to say about their country so they say random shit!
4. Teri Naani mari to main kya karoon: Just look at the awesomely sad lyrics.
“Main to raste se jaa raha…bhelpuri kha raha tha….
seetti baja raha tha…ladki ghuma raha tha…
tujhe mirchi lagi to main kya karoon?
teri naani mari to main kya karoon”
Now, what it says in English, I was walking down the street…eating bhelpuri
whistling a tune…making out with a girl…your granny died, so what shall I do?
Seriously? If I saw someone’s nani (granny) die, I would freak out and probably cry a  
little. But this guy, OMG has no shame whatsoever. And the irony is that the last, dying 
part has no connection to the other part of the song. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Pakistanizing Superheroes

Every Country needs superheroes and Pakistan is no exception.
Wonder-Woman -
Every country needs a Woman as a hero to release them from Male Dominated societies in which women are treated as crap or to make a super-power filled sandwich. A Pakistani Wonder Woman would excel at both roles. Put men in it’s place and also make a killer sandwich while she’s at it. She might have a problem with her half naked clothes revealing too much in a Muslim country and I don’t know what exactly she would able to achieve running around half naked with a lasso. But hey she’s wonder woman and that’s how she rolls yo.

Wonderwoman saving Pakistan. Pakistani Style.
(The Sialkot reference refers to hanging of the two innocent brothers. Also saw it in a comic on facebook)
Hulk -
If there was ever a superhero that would define Pakistan it would be Hulk. He’s green, he’s huge, irrational, angry, emotional, destructive, and not very bright. But underneath all that destruction and anger etc he has a nice warm heart and he’s just trying to save the world one step at a time just like us Pakistanis. He just doesn’t realize it yet.

Hulk sacrificing himself for the greater good. What a Champion.
If Hulk wasn’t a superhero he would have also made a very excellent Pindi Boy. Not wearing a shirt, trying to show your abs. having horrible grammar and English. Just needs a facebook account and a Honda Motorbike and he would make the PERFECT pindi boy.
Batman -
Batman : My parents…… were killed in a mugging.
Villian: My parents were killed in a bombing. Man the f*ck up. Shit happens.
Batman: Cool story bro.
Just me or judging by recent haalat/situation here Batman’s dead parents story wouldn’t gather much sympathy. But still A Pakistani Batman would be awesome. The only problem would be he can’t really scare the shit out of people with darkness and stuff since there’s no electricity 90 percent of the time. So basically he’s just a grown man with a bat fetish if he decided to be hero here.

Sohrab. Everyone's favorite Bicycle.
Logistically speaking Spiderman would have the hardest time getting through Pakistan. There aren’t many tall buildings here and the ones that are tall usually fall down if any external force no matter how small is applied to them. And if he does manage to get around the city by his web he’ll most probably end up slitting his throat due to some kite string and end up dying. (That would be pretty hilarious if it happened tbh) and instead of the one traditional loving aunt he would have about 15 aunts with 30 cousins (What? we like to make love) so his whole life would be pretty awkward.

I always wanted to see Spiderman die like this.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

5 kinds of people i come across, Daily!

Recently I am going through this thing where I stereotype, anything and everything on basis of its appearance and nature. I have even been stereotyping girls based of their localities, FML!

Therefore, in this blog I will write about 5 kinds of people I think I face daily, or on a regular basis.

  1. The ass-lickers:  The ass-licker group, or more commonly known as the “Uthaos” are probably the biggest group that comes under my stereotyping. These guys will work their ass off getting favors from others instead of doing work for themselves. They are probably the smartest ones too who knows how to get work out of people they know!

  1. The cool group:  There are always those people you come across who don’t give a $h!T about anything than being themselves. These are probably my favorite group of people for two reasons, one, that they are always fun to hang out with and are loved by everyone, and the other, that I can never be stereotyped in this category. So cheers to them!

  1. The annoying ones: After the first grouped mentioned, these people are the second most hated people. They annoy you so much so that you want to kick their asses or wish they would die of laughing on the lamest jokes, which makes only them, laugh out. They will sit in between try to crack inside jokes with their other annoying friends which makes you go, “ohhhh, what the FUCK man!!!”

  1. The emo ones: Sometimes, or once in a while, you accidently meet the emo people. Yes, the planet is filled with them. They would cry about how dull their lives are, or how their boyfriends won’t satisfy them, or how no one understands their problems. That leaves them with two options, either to cut themselves with knives, and drown in their own pool of blood unless they get some attention, or the recently famous one, updating their facebook status and getting “serious” advices from their other emo friends… they make me go “oooooooooooooooooooooo”

  1. The losers: This is the smallest group of people that includes me. Yes, I like to stereotype myself too! These people do nothing but sit in front of a 14 inch screen, reading the stupidest things on the internet and doing nothing else. What makes me love this group so much is that, unlike the other 4 mentioned above, they are unsure about their lives and their brains are filled with stupidity. (doesn’t make much sense does it?)

Reminder: Any resemblance do any person living, dead or in the state of dying is purely co-incidental and this blog does not reflect them!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Fantasies. We all have them.

Fantasies are like that hot girl in your class who you know you have no chance with so you just end up taking a picture of her and hanging it up in your room and looking at it for endless hours and imagining the kids you two would have in 15 years time but you know that won’t happen and you’ll end up with a very less attractive woman and with kids who’ll end up being huge failures. The point is we all have fantasies. These are mine.
Be A Pakistani James Bond -
 We all want to be something in life. I wanted to be a Pakistani James Bond. Smoking my fancy cuban cigar with all the women loving me and saving the world by doing shit that wouldn’t be realistically possible in real life. But there’s something about movies that just made the spy life look like the best life anyone could ever life.
How my Fantasy would live out if it actually happened -
It wouldn’t be pleasant I would probably get shot on my first mission and would probably also end up puking on the woman I’m trying to seduce (it’s all part of the mission) and then you would get to see a news story like this in the newspaper
Sexy Spies Poisons himself accidentally while trying to save the world 
On Tuesday a sexy spy code named HamazDude poisoned himself by accidentally mixing poison in his own drink instead of the terrorist’s drink. He was 18 and this was his first mission.

Become a househusband -
(I just found out househusband is an actual word.)
Housewife/Househusband is like that job that’s really easy but everyone pretends it’s hard e.g my sister sleeps in till 1 pm on weekdays and tells me being a housewife is the hardest thing in the world. Sure it is. Sure it is. Having said that I’ve always wanted to be a househusband. You know the one you see on that desperate housewife show. It would be awesome. If my wife ever leaves the kitchen I’ll let her work and make money while I sit at home, watch tv all day and wait for my wife to come home. It would be the perfect job. And if we ever had kids (I would try to make sure we didn’t so I could continue doing nothing) I would hire a maid. Actually no that wouldn’t be a good idea a maid and a househusband staying at one place while the wife goes work. (How gay is the word Househusband btw?)
How my fantasy would live out if it actually happened -
Yea so I wouldn't probably make a good househusband


Monday, June 13, 2011

5 bullshit stories Media Propaganda made us believe

You know how you look at a woman from a certain angle and she turns out to be the most beautiful woman you’ve ever come across. Only later when you see her face to face you realize she’s actually a guy? Well Media propaganda is like that. Full of bullshit.  5 stories we were told by the media/state/whatever you put it.


The Toppling of Saddam Hussien’s Statue aka Iraqis being Liberated.
What they told us - 
Saddam’s Statue being destroyed and razed to the ground meant a victory for Iraq. What the media kind of potrayed was that Iraq is free now. Iraqis are celebrating now they are liberated and any second now half naked blondes will come holding M-16s and start firing in the sky while all of us smell the sweet f*cking scent of victory.

(The video explains what they told us and what actually happened) What actually happened - 
Sadly there were no half naked blondes celebrating. It was just a few hundered people mostly consisting of marines and journalists  trying to portray victory and a symbolic event. I think it’s pretty evident and the 110,000 dead iraqis who were liberated (read killed) are probably wishing such liberation stayed away from them.
More people showed up to my Birthday Party. Half of them were imaginary but that doesn't matter.
The Gulf of Tonkin Incident -
What They Said - 
If someone attacks you and you’re powerful enough to beat the shit out of him. You would do it right? Well that’s what The American Navy did in Vietnam in two separate incidents. This incident was also a major event in the lead up to The Vietnam War.  In short The American Navy was attacked and they attacked back which in turn led to justification in going to war with Vietnam  (read up the entire article on wikipedia) here
What Actually Happened -
If you go punch a wall and end up breaking your hand but tell your dad the kid next door did it. So your dad ends up bombing the kid next door. Well that’s what pretty much actually happened. In the first incident Vietnamese didn’t really start the shooting. The Americans did and in the second incident well the US Navy shot at water and were “attacked” back (there were no boats) if the sailors didnt mix some shrooms, weed, coke and smoked it before shooting I’m sure they were all mentally retarded. The consequence was clear The War in Vietnam and we all know what happened.
Incubator Babies -
What They Said happened -
A woman who’s identity was kept secret at the time testified that she saw Iraqi soldiers basically snap babies out of incubators and throw them out to die like this was some f*cking Resident Evil game in which you see sick psychos eating little babies. Her story was used as one of the reasons to justify The Gulf War.
What Actually Happened -
It turned out after the war when more media were allowed to visit that the story was bullshit. It also turned out  that the saw called mystery women who saw the babies being thrown was actually the daughter of The Kuwaiti Ambassador to the USA. So basically it was some good ol bullshit propaganda. Yay!
Yea I'm the ambassadors daughter and I have daddy issues and my dad won't love me if I don't bullshit and make up a story. My boyfriend thinks I'm ugly too so I'm just going to continue with my bullshit and I hate babies.
The Palestine – Israel “Conflict”
What They Tell us -
Palestine, Israel is a conflict, is a war. Which in logical terms both are equal in terms of power, money and influence and are fighting each other for land.
What’s actually happening -
If a small kid gets beat up by a huge bully. The story isn’t termed as a conflict between two kids it’s termed as a powerful bully beating the shit out of the defenseless kid.
Islam is to blame for The Taliban. 
What they tell us -
You know those dudes wearing the huge turbans with huge beards blowing themselves and other shit up while killing civilians and mostly their own people yea Islam’s to blame for that. And we’re gonna save them from this travesty and rescue the world like always.. Because that’s the truth and nothing but the truth except…..
What actually happened -
You know as a kid you want a baby bear. And you feed and love the cub/baby bear as one of your own. You give him money, you give him food and you watch him grow and see him become an Adult bear and then he ends up eating you.  Well that’s what happened with The US and Taliban. The Us being the kid while The Taliban being the baby bear who ends up eating them. They funded The Taliban and ISI with money and weapons so they could fight off the Soviets and end communism and shit. When they did that for them. They stopped giving a shit about them and then they turned into the monster you see now. Basically The Taliban is a neglected child with a rich daddy who stopped caring about him and married a hot woman and had much prettier kids with her.

Bonus Entry – Bin Laden and his mystical horny compound
What they are telling us -
Basically The Navy SEALS watched a Rambo movie went all bat shit crazy in Abbotabad and killed Bin Laden. American Heroes. F*ck yea. And the media started reporting the bullshit. First they showed OBL watching himself on tv in his house. (The guy in the video actually looks like a kulfi wala you see on the streets of Pindi selling kulfis to little kids for 10 rupees.)  And then they said they found porn in his house. So basically in short what they’re trying to tell us is that OBL was an old man with 3 wives who couldn’t sexually please him enough so he turned to watching porn and mastrubating and during the breaks from all the heavy masturbation he watched videos of himself.
What Actually Happened - 
Well we don’t know yet. Only time will tell and some noob will sell his actual story to The New York times in 5 years time. If I’m alive for that long which I doubt and this blog still exists I’ll be sure to edit it.
War-Hero. F*ck Yea!
(Note – If any of the facts seem wrong apologize wrote it in a hurry. Most of the facts were picked from Wikipedia and actual news sites. Don’t worry I didn’t visit any conspiracy  sites.)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The worse in Media!


There is something that really disturbs me and when something is not right, I usually like to bitch about it unless I feel good. So here is something I hate about my country and unfortunately, it is the way ever since it started and I am afraid it’s going to be this way only.

It wasn’t many years ago when Pakistan was counted in one of the most powerful and effective economies of the world (1998-2006). The decline ever since has been subjected to many reasons but one of the highly responsible and most destructive is the Power of Media. In the past few years, media have shown/introduce us to so many different, rare aspects of life that they are starting to occur more often than ever.

One of the questions that stun me is that what is wrong with us? Why does death and murder fascinate us so much? And why are our inhumane instincts taking over our compassion and humanity? The ‘Karachi Murder’ is not the first nor will it be the last. The Kharotabad incident is still fresh in our minds, where a group of people, including two women, were gunned down by security personnel for no apparent threat. But still, these incidents are taken over by another “fascinating” news as soon as they arrive.

It is because we are so stressed by constant bad news and bad news that we take out that stress wherever we can. And it is because we think its not wrong anymore. Media has shown us so much violence that we are not even afraid.

Though Media plays an important role in providing us with such information but more too often, it is over-exaggerated, and some of it is even non-sense.   
For me as a teenager, watching a half an hour of a news bulletin is so depressing that it chances my mood and behavior drastically. Its maybe because I, like hundreds of other Pakistanis love my country but cannot really do anything, accept, bitching about it on the internet.

Look at this current news headline. I have not seen a single ‘Good news’ from any news channels for a long time. Media should tell us the wrong things in our society, but sometimes, when the country in facing so many problems, real good news works. It might lift someone’s mood (like me) or even make a day, better.

And for those who think there is no such news in Pakistan is totally wrong. There are many students who get scholarships every year to foreign universities, many honorable prizes given to Pakistanis, instead of showing problems faced by Pakistanis in foreign countries, tell about how much they love their freedom and how can people in Pakistan lack that.

It seems that in countries like Pakistan, signs of frustration, stress and other psychological issues are not taken into consideration. Traditionally we seem to accept violence, even cold blooded murder at times as is seen in the most common one of karo kari, and allow it to prevail in society under some guise or the other. We allow our children to be brutal and severe with pets and regale tales of the times our kids have mistreated or killed chicks, thrown stones or tied roped around cats, dogs and other helpless animals without remorse.

It is time for us to look inside ourselves and work on ‘civilising’ ourselves. Instead of being blown away by the BAD in society, we should look at the Good things, because at the end of the day, everything seems nice, when you are happy inside!

God Bless Pakistan!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The 5 most annoying TV channels

The 5 most annoying/crappy Tv Channels.

You know how there are some channels that everybody hates because they’re completely useless and whenever you watch them, they remind you of a video your mom made when you were running naked through your house at 2 years old and shows it to your whole family because she thinks it’s funny but you don’t exactly find it funny and your female cousins end up making fun of you for the rest of your life and will probably turn down any future marriage proposals because of that video… Well yea there are some channels like that..
1. Fox News
I think the most obvious of choices had to be Fox News. Everyone knows what they do. Everyone knows they’re bigoted and racist and everyone knows the editor of most of their stories is a 2 year old baby. They’re mis-informed, they’re stupid and their bigotry is what creates hate in a society.

And they call me paranoid
2 . Star Plus (Destroying The Productivity of Pakistani Women since forever.)
This is the channel that has single handedly taken women above 30 and destroyed every single productive thing they used to do in their lives. Their whole life consists of watching Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi and dramas like this. The major piss off thing about these dramas is that they all consist of some woman being oppressed in a house with her whole family plotting against her. She faces death multiple times yet she keeps coming back and her husband is always the innocent looking man who doesn’t know what the f*ck is happening. Do something productive with your life. Go feed a hungry kid or hug a koala bear. But stop watching Star Plus.

*Insert Innocent Looking Woman who wants to run around in Wheat Fields but can’t* Star Plus drama ready.
3. Star Cricket (Are all channels with Star in them shit?)
This one gets a special mention of Navjot Sidhu and that crappy cricket show he has he knows how to state the obvious better than anyone else and he does it very well while offending bengalis (youtube it).  Also I believe this should be renamed to Star India Cricket because it’s mostly about indian cricket than actual cricket. (Just try watching it at a random time something related to Indian Cricket will probably be getting showed).
Navjot Sidhu : The 2nd innings is cruicial if they do well they will win the game…..
No shit Sherlock.
(Quote made up but he says shit like this all the time)
4. Filmazia
Let’s be honest The Pakistani Film Industry isn’t exactly thriving or that good. So when you have a whole channel that shows lollywood movies 24 hours a day. You know you’re going to get brain-f*cked. If you ever wanted  big-boned with a very weird figure Pakistani Actresses doing stupid dance moves while Shan or another Pakistani Male Actor runs around on his horse killing 4324324 people and only using one magazine of a gun AND defying Physics while he’s at it. Then this channel is for you.

Only in a Pakistani Movie a football can be used as a weapon.
5. Geo Super and Geo Tv
Thankfully as I write this Geo Super has been banned for the moment. Which is good. It’s the sports channel that knows it sucks so it tries to get all the other sports channels banned. Their sports announcers know nothing about sport and are idiots.. Geo Tv gets a mention because any channel that hires Sahir Lodhi is annoying and full of crap. I hate you Sahir Lodhi. Stop making me miserable.